To be nobody but yourself in a world
which is doing its best day and night to make you like
everybody else means to fight the hardest battle
which any human being can fight and never stop fighting.
E.E. Cummings
Solange
Papa,
In this improvised lines, I will try to express to you everything I feel for you, hoping that it will reach you in the best manner possible ….
If God wants, we shall have, one day, the possibility to coincide our truths, which for the seeming disparities, bring our seal of authenticity.
My old one, you and I are somewhat alike: from the worst the worst, from the talented ones the best … thank you for your own magnanimity which characterizes your soul, which is an infinite gift. Thank you for allowing me to know that I can always count on you. I love you, Solange
*****
Beloved Pa,
At times it seems that nobody understands how and if, each of my thought or word would be a big mistake. But though it might sound ironic, you inspire in me confidence, you are a very wise man, I do not know, you always have a relevant answer, a word that gives one breath and the feeling that stimulates. At the end I can tell you, that despite everything, I am proud that you are my old one, because it is “you” above all, and against everybody you do not allow that anybody manages your path, which mistaken or not, is yours because you have chosen it and you have trust in it and this must cost you a lot … for this I admire you and respect you …
For now I hope that you have a very happy birthday. And even though it is a bit distant, I am raising the glass for you … be happy, enjoy everything you can, and remember that now and always I shall be by your side … I love you. Your daughter Solange.
*****
Beloved Papa:
I’m writing this letter embarking on many dreams, and with it, an enormous happiness with you. Thanks to God we go steering the best possible way; you already know things are difficult for all in these times … but we have, (apart from many desires) love, I would say “solid” that gives us the force that we need to go forward. On the other hand, I am living the most beautiful miracle of my life; enjoying my baby day to day; his waking up, his smiles. It’s an infinite magic that cannot be described. I never missed you so! Finally I was able to “see” and understand the lasso that unifies us, my old one, is enormously strong; that age, nor forgetting, nor any distance limit. Today I know ardently that I love you; this feeling was always here, so in my reach and so far at times.
……………. there are so many doubts to settle, many words kept in, but I had to tell you that one time: my moments were not the same without you. I missed you and I miss you, Papa. Let’s hope that these don’t arrive too late, and let’s hope you can give me the opportunity to love you, to know you, and to accept you.
Take care of yourself, which is one form of taking care of me. I love you! Solange
*****
Hello Pa,
Don’t give up, Papito. Last night I tried to get to sleep, and reviewing all the things we have lived, I felt nostalgia; do you know of what? … to dance that little tango that we owe each other. How can it be that the daughter of the greatest in the world hasn’t had this privilege! We are going to do it, Pa; you will see it yet. What enormous comfort it is for me to know that you are with that marvelous woman, whom I love as if I had known her all my life. Give her a strong embrace from me, and to her children who are taking care of you at this moment as well.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me bring love.
Where there is offense let me bring pardon.
Where there is discord let me bring union.
Where there is error let me bring truth.
Where there is doubt let me bring faith.
Where there is despair let me bring hope.
Where there is darkness let me bring light.
Where there is sadness let me bring joy.
O Master, let me not seek as much
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love,
for it is in giving that one receives,
it is in self-forgetting that one finds,
it is in pardon that one is pardoned,
it is in dying that one is raised into eternal life.
Amen
I hope that in the distance, and even if it’s in low voice, you say this prayer with us. It has taken me time to memorize it, and even if it seems a lie, your grandson taught it to me and he rattles it off with his little hands interlaced, praying for his grandfather.
I’m sending you an enormous kiss …. tomorrow we continue, si?
*****
I know that we need to go slowly, but the anxiety at times devours me, since I would prefer million times to be in your place, and not to see suffer those who I love. I would love to have the opportunity to care for you, accompany you, dry your tears, wash your pain, be, as you said before, a lap for you. It would seem a paradox, but it is your strength that makes me not surrender … who would say: “only you can do that” … I love you so papa!!! I cannot consider myself better or worse than anybody, but I know that if there is anything good in me, it’s only that which you have bequeathed. And I need urgently to be able to demonstrate it to you. It will never be a bother to me, and hopefully you understand it. I know that you do not want to “change” my life, but it would be so beautiful for me to be able to finish growing by your side. That is why I will always repeat to you, that in me will be your shelter and your refuge, if at any time you feel tired, if any time you will need to feel at “home,” come to me; I will always wait for you.
I love you!!!!!! Solange
*****
Hello my dear,
I know that you will always be by my side, and this pushes me that I don’t even think to stop fighting. I have the best weapons that a man could have, love of the ones who love, more than life, and that they are unconditional.
I love you. Ricardo
*****
Never in any moment of my life have I separated you from me, I feel that you have to pass the anguishes through me. I will see if I can go to Buenos Aires to be with you and my grandson. I can only feel Him by my side always, and also I know will never abandon me. I take so many pills and medication that I feel I am poisoning myself, but I need to continue and will do it. I will, if I can, rent something for a month or more, thus you could come for a few days with the baby, and finally we will see each other. I try by all means to put up with this thing, but the pain is nothing if we compare to uncertainty that’s needed to live to continue and fight. Well, my beloved, I cannot ask you not to have more anguish, since I know it’s impossible, but thinking that He always gives the best, I thank you for your prayers that help so much. Give affection to all, and to you my dear, receive as always the best from me … and kisses for the baby. I love youuuu. Ricardo
*****
Hello, Papa. Are you here? If I breathe deeply I almost feel your breath near me. Today we cannot see each other, we cannot chat or have maté. Today I cannot receive your fresh kiss nor “hola, princesa” when I awake, but I know that we can do something even better: we can love each other as before, though the distance this time is bigger, though the time becomes interminable, even though the pain of your absence is like a blow that burns my blood . . .
Papa are you here?
If you were able to answer me . . . if you were able for one instance to keep the image alive, immortal in my memory, I refuse to forget you, even though to remember you is like a premonition of my own death . . .
My father, unconditional friend! If you only knew how much I miss you! At times I hate you for this solitude . . .
Today you are yellowish letters, the fragment that goes away; today you are those old photos and this poem has finished . . .
Today you are not in the throat and this abyss in the soul which nobody can fill, and Today you are a slow walk in the memory and the blue jacket hung in the closet. . .
Father, if you’re here, I don’t know, but our communion will be perpetual, blood from my blood, essence of my essence . . . My soul and my heart look for you but will not find you.
In the meantime I continue here almost alive and dead, waiting with overwhelming anxiety that your hand comes . . .
Papa, are you here?
Solange Vidort
*****
Would have it been because of the feeling of the dawn of his death that he had kept this poem …?
If you love me
Do not cry if you love me … If you knew the gift of God,
and what heaven is … If you were able to hear the chant of Angels,
and see me amongst them … If for a moment you were able to,
contemplate with me the beauty, before which, all the beauties fade,
believe me … When the day in which God, has set and knows,
and your soul arrives in that heaven, into which mine has preceded yours,
that day you will return to see me, you will feel that I continue loving you,
that I loved you, and you will find my heart with all its tenderness purified,
you will return to see me in transfiguration, in happy ecstasy,
no more expecting death, but moving forward with you,
I will take you by hand on new paths of light and life.
Wipe away your weeping and do not cry, if you love me …
Clench your fist, bite your lips … but the main thing,
that which remains buried in the faint ashes of silence,
in this horizon between happiness and nostalgia, between peace and fright,
there I will find you, there you will be able to find me, that is why only I am,
because you have loved me …
RICARDO VIDORT 